Accountants Joke 1 - Adultery summed up!

An accountant leaves a note for his wife one Friday evening. It read "Dear Wife. This week I turned 54. I am going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Hilton with my gorgeous, sexy, 18-year old secretary." When he arrives at the hotel there is a letter waiting for him.

It is from his wife. It reads "Dear Husband. I am also 54. I am also going away for the weekend. I will be staying at the Sheraton with my handsome and virile 18-year old toy boy.

As an accountant, you'll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Accountants Joke 2 - Cannibals

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defence company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says "You're all part of the team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafe for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says " You're all working very hard, and I'm very satsified with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating all the accountants in the finance department, and no-one noticed anything, and then you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Accountants Joke 3 - Sheep

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?" the doctor replied.

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Accountants Joke 4 - Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 120 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumfounded and replies, "120 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - I have seen your timesheets and examined the hours you charged your clients. By my reckoning you are at least 120!"

Accountants Joke 5 - Shepherd

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in Armani with Ray-Ban sunglasses gets out and asks the shepherd "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep grazing, and says "Okay"

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel spreadsheets filled with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here"

The shepherd answers "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man takes the sheep and crams it into his Porche. The shepherd looks at him and asks " If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?" The young man answers "Yes, I will"

The shepherd says "You're an accountant with a top 5 firm!" The young man is amazed - "How did you know that?" The shepherd replied "It's very simple really. First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me to tell me something that I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you've just put my dog in your Porsche!"